I think it’s reasonable to suppose that maple taffy has been a staple of every maple syrup festival ever held since the dawn of time. You start by going outside with a shovel and you scoop up a big pile of snow. Look both ways first just to be sure local public health officials aren’t watching. Either that or use a really clean shovel. If you do get caught, you can always bribe the officials with a bottle of maple syrup. That’s how Doug Ford got Dr. Kieran Moore to say we don’t need masks indoors anymore.
After you’ve scooped up a gross of snow and laid it out on a flat surface like the hood of a car (Martha Stewart recommends a baking sheet), ladle lines of boiling maple syrup across the snow. As the cold snow causes the syrup to congeal, press a popsicle stick into one end of the syrup and roll the syrup into a ball around the end of the popsicle stick. Suck on the ball of cold maple syrup until the sugar makes you giddy.
Since we live in times that are simmering with conspiracy theories, let me throw one more into the pot. I think dentists have joined forces with maple syrup producers. If people bite down on maple taffy before it’s turned soft, it can cement top and bottom teeth together. As people open their mouths, it can yank out a tooth. That’s not so bad when you’re six and ready to lose a few teeth anyways. But it’s a matter of concern when you’re seventy-six and have no teeth to spare. If you’re worried for your teeth, best just to suck on the taffy and wait patiently for it to melt in your mouth. Keep the dentists poor.
I have a proposal: one day I’d like to set the world record for biggest ball of maple taffy. It would involve boiling an entire 140L drum of syrup, then rigging something on the back of a tractor so you could drizzle it as you drive back and forth in a snow-covered field. Meanwhile, someone would follow behind on a low flatbed trailer twirling a big pole through the congealing syrup. I wonder if there’s some way to automate this. Imagine the mouth you’d need to wrap your lips around that! We’d have to invite Mick Jagger as a guest of honour.
